Parenting Athletes: How We Show Up for Our Children

As parents, we want the best for our children. We pour our time, energy, and emotions into supporting them, especially when it comes to their interests and activities, such as sports. However, it's crucial for us to pause and reflect on the impact of our involvement on our children's experiences.

From the child's perspective, the level of importance we assign to their activities can easily translate into pressure and expectations. Despite our loving intentions, our passionate cheering, endless hours of driving, and enthusiastic feedback at games can inadvertently burden our children with the weight of our expectations. Over my 30 years of working with children in sports, I've witnessed many who have lost their love for the game but feel hesitant to communicate this to their parents, fearing disappointment or a sense of disconnection.

It's essential for us as parents to regularly check in with our children's feelings of satisfaction, joy, and pressure regarding their participation in sports. Similarly, we must examine our own intentions and passions for their involvement. By journaling and asking ourselves why we want our child to play a sport, we can gain clarity on our motivations and ensure our actions align with our intentions.

Actions truly speak louder than words, especially in the eyes of our children. They observe how we show up at their games, how we communicate with coaches and other parents, and how we handle victories and defeats. It's vital for us to reflect on whether our behaviors reflect the supportive and nurturing environment we aim to create for our children.

Feedback and guidance from parents, no matter how well-intentioned, can often be perceived as judgment by our children. While it's natural to want to offer advice and opinions, it's crucial to resist the urge unless solicited. Instead, we should create space for our children to explore their interests and seek support on their terms. If there are moments where guidance is necessary, particularly concerning character or behavior, it's essential to approach these discussions with empathy and understanding.

As a coach, I've often served as a bridge between parents and children, offering guidance and support in a way that resonates with the child. This dynamic allows parents to step back and see their child's journey from a different perspective, relieving them of the pressure to intervene constantly. It's a symbiotic relationship that fosters growth and understanding for both parents and children.

If anything in this reflection resonates with you or raises questions, I encourage you to reach out for a free consultation. Together, we can ensure that our children's experiences in sports are filled with joy, growth, and love.

Compassionate Reflections from the Youth Soccer Sidelines

As I stood on the sidelines of a youth soccer game in Texas today, I found myself witnessing an unsettling scene unfold before my eyes. One team was dominating the field, leading by an overwhelming 14-0 in the second half. But what caught my attention wasn't just the score—it was the behavior of the parents on the winning side.

Like a pack of wild animals, they cheered relentlessly with each goal, their voices echoing with a mix of triumph and aggression. Phrases like "score 5 more," "don't stop now," and "give it to him" filled the air, creating an atmosphere of excess and dominance. With every cheer, it felt as though they were not just celebrating a game but reveling in their power over the opposing team and other humans.

As I observed this spectacle, a wave of compassion washed over me, not only for the children on the receiving end of this defeat but also for the parents who seemed oblivious to the impact of their words and actions. Did they ever stop to consider how their cheers might make the other children feel? Or the effect it had on the opposing team's parents?

But perhaps even more concerning was the message these parents were inadvertently sending to their own children. By celebrating such one-sided victories with such fervor, what lessons were they imparting? Were they teaching their children that power and dominance are more important than empathy and sportsmanship? That it's acceptable to walk over others for personal pleasure and success?

It's a sobering thought. Children are keen observers of the world around them, absorbing not just what we say but also how we behave. If they see the adults they love and trust the most in their lives demonstrating such behavior, what does that imply about what's acceptable?

What are we willing to sacrifice in the pursuit of victory? Even amidst the intensity of competition, it's crucial to remember that true success isn't solely defined by winning, but also by the manner in which we navigate both triumph and adversity.

So let us pause and reflect on the impact of our words and actions, both on the field and off. Let us strive to create an environment where all children feel valued and respected, regardless of the score. And let us lead by example, showing our children that true strength lies not in power over others but in humility, kindness, and compassion.

Amidst the intensity of the game, there was a moment of pure beauty that unfolded following the final whistle, with a final score of 20-0. As the 11-12-year-old children gathered, they exchanged hugs and handshakes, displaying a level of kindness and sportsmanship that was truly heartwarming.

It struck me deeply that despite the drastic differences in life experience and years lived, these young athletes could exemplify such compassion and respect for one another. It begs the question: why is it that children, who are still navigating the complexities of the world, can demonstrate these qualities with such ease, while the adults in roles of leadership and mentoring often struggle to do the same?

Indeed, youth sports would be radically different if it weren't for the presence of adults. Without the pressure of athletic careers lost or unfulfilled sports lives being projected onto the field, what would remain is pure joy, fun, play, and above all, kindness.

What saddens me most is the realization that many adults are not fully aware of the messages their behavior sends to the impressionable young minds watching, hearing, and experiencing them. Consider for a moment the impact of your words but mostly your actions as you cheer on your child and their team.

What if, in the midst of your yelling and screaming, your child interprets it as a sign that their performance on the field is directly tied to their worthiness of love and importance in your eyes? "If my mom or dad gets this upset and angry, it must be really important to them." What if they internalize the belief that they must be flawless every time they step onto the field, fearing that any mistake will diminish your love for them and subsequently their importance?

As parents, coaches, mentors, and spectators, we must recognize the immense power we hold in shaping the experiences and perceptions of young athletes. Let us strive to be mindful of the messages we convey through our behavior, and let us endeavor to create an environment where children feel supported, valued, and above all, loved for who they are, not just for their performance on the field.

As children progress in their sporting careers, the harsh reality sets in: their identity becomes increasingly intertwined with the sport they play. If a parent or guardian demonstrates that the sport holds excessive importance in their eyes, the child may feel that their entire identity is at stake every time they step onto the field.

It's no wonder then, that as children grow older and face challenges like making mistakes or struggling with the mental and emotional aspects of the game, they find it difficult to recover. The risk to their identity feels monumental, compounded by the words and actions of those closest to them.

The parent or guardian's role in shaping a child's sporting experience cannot be overstated. Every cheer, every instruction, every reaction sends a powerful message about what is valued and expected. As such, it's essential for adults to consider the long-term impact of their behavior on a child's sense of self-worth and identity.

Let us strive to create an environment where children feel empowered to explore and grow, both on and off the field, without fearing that their worth is contingent upon their athletic performance. After all, from my perspective, success lies in nurturing the holistic development of our youth, not simply the player.

In conclusion, I offer a suggestion that could relieve you from the burden of post-game dialogue while also providing your child with what they truly need to hear. Let's consider refraining from expressing our own emotions, feedback, and questions, and instead, opt for the simple phrase, "I love watching you play." These five words encompass everything a child craves: unwavering support, validation, and genuine admiration for their performance on the field.